By Jane Hoskyn
Ask us what women are thinking, and we can trot out any number of things. “Don’t knock babbling, it’s a sign that we fancy you,” for example. Or: “Give us stubble burn once and we may never kiss you again.”
But those are the things that we wish men knew. The really telling thoughts are the ones that we don’t want men to know. Especially the men that we’re sleeping with – or wish we were sleeping with.
Deep in this innermost vault of secrecy lie our feelings about our exes, your exes, our bodies, your bodies... and our feelings at the end of a date or the start of a relationship. This is top-secret, high-octane stuff. In the wrong hands, it could be extremely dangerous. Read on if you think you’re hard enough.
1. When we get whistled at in the street, we feel uncomfortable and we’ll always tut and roll our eyes. But we’re awesomely flattered and we’d be gutted if it stopped.
2. We will never grow out of our fascination with pop stars. A guy can be completely ordinary-looking, but we will fancy him if he’s in a band.
3. We are more likely to fancy a guy if his ex-girlfriends are really pretty.
4. We can be put off a guy by finding out that his ex-girlfriends are a bit ugly.
5. When we look through your Facebook photos, we’re looking to see how pretty or ugly your ex-girlfriends are.
6. We look through your Facebook photos a lot, and we really hope that you haven’t downloaded anything that reveals who looks at them the most.
7. Here’s how to make us fall for you. One day, come on to us so strong that we’re a bit weirded out by it. Then totally fail to ring us. We’ll wonder what we did wrong, and we won’t be able to stop thinking about you.
8. The above strategy isn’t foolproof. We may just lose interest. It depends on how much we liked you in the first place.
9. We often don’t know how much we liked you in the first place. We may have to wait until you don’t phone us. If we’re disappointed, it proves that we fancy you. If we’re not, it proves that we don’t. It’s like when you toss a coin to help you make a decision.
10. Stop trying to understand how our minds work. Even we don’t understand how our minds work.
11. We constantly change our minds and reserve the right to do so.
12. We love getting a missed call from you. It makes us feel in control.
13. The pleasure of noticing a missed call doesn’t last long. We never know how soon to ring back, and it does our heads in.
14. We are constantly scared of putting you off by seeming too keen.
15. We are constantly scared of putting you off by not seeming keen enough.
16. We will never discuss this with you because we are constantly scared of putting you off by bringing “us” up in conversation.
17. “I’m scared of being hurt” means “I don’t fancy you as much as I thought I did.” You know it, we know it, and that is all that will be said on the matter.
18. We say “we’re not manipulative” because we’re really good at being manipulative.
19. We only manipulate your feelings because you manipulated our feelings first.
20. Snoring costs you sex.
21. Your feet disgust us.
22. We shave our toes.
23. We’ve got a rogue hair that needs regular plucking.
24. We went through a phase of shaving our moustache.
25. We leave our legs unshaven on a first date so that we won’t end up in bed with you.
26. We wear big knickers on a first date so that we won’t end up in bed with you.
27. We spend entire first dates fancying the pants off you and worrying that we’ll end up in bed with you, all unshaven legs and big knickers.
28. We don’t actually care that much about the loo seat.
29. We suspect that you like our bodies more when we’re carrying a few extra pounds, but we always feel better about ourselves when we lose weight. However we hate that our boobs look deflated, and we’re disgusted by the injustice of it.
30. We envy you for being able to eat more than us and not get fat. By “envy” we mean “occasionally hate.”
31. If a grown-up woman has light blonde hair, she’s bleaching it*. You can tell that a woman is a natural blonde from her mousey eyebrows. (* OK, or she’s Scandinavian.)
32. We trim our nose-hair.
33. Yes we’ve got nice eyes, blah blah. Boring. We are desperate for you to compliment our skin and our necks.
34. We are even more desperate for you to write poems about us.
35. When we’re at a party we clock the sexy girls far quicker than we clock the sexy guys.
36. We find female strippers sexier than male strippers. But that doesn’t mean we want to snog any of them.
37. However we do wish we were gay sometimes, if only to get oral sex from someone who really knows what they’re doing.
38. Size does matter, fellas.
39. What you do with it matters even more.
40. What you do with your tongue matters most of all.
41. We’re really scared that you’ll feel our back zits.
42. During breakouts we get up at 6am and cover our spots with concealer while you’re sleeping.
43. We don’t want you to stay for breakfast. We want you to leave immediately so that you don’t have time to register how dog-rough we look in the morning.
44. We want you to text us from your journey home to say how you can’t stop smiling.
45. If you don’t text or call within 24 hours we’ll feel so unhappy that no amount of chocolate and wine can cheer us up. Though we’ll give it a try.
46. We’d happily sleep with your best mate to make you jealous.
47. We’re scared of commitment too.
48. If you’re not very well endowed, your girlfriend won’t tell her friends. She’s as embarrassed about it as you are. However if you dump her, she’ll tell everyone.
49. We fake orgasms so that you’ll stop and let us go to sleep.
50. We aren’t always sure when we’re faking it. In orgasms, the line between fact and fiction can be very thin.
51. We love falling asleep in your arms, for the first few weeks of a relationship anyway. To be honest we’d sleep a lot better if you weren’t there.
52. We find your dark-coloured bedsheets a total turn-off.
53. We’re all little girls inside. You make us cry far more easily than you realise.