Don’t worry if you had a first date last night and feel like you’re going insane today. Your rational, laid-back self has been possessed by a paranoid muppet who can’t stop checking your phone.
It’s pretty normal. You meet someone you really like, and you think they might like you, and it makes you a bit demented. Every woman alive who had a first date last night is behaving just as weirdly as you. If you all put your heads together, here’s what would come out.

1. Check me out, I didn’t go back to his place! Cool, disciplined… ooh I’m good. He must want me so much right now. Well done, girl, well done. This deserves ice-cream.
2. Would have been even nicer if he’d actually asked me back.

3. What did he mean by “’bye”?
4. Please let him like me. Please let him like me.

5. Wonder why he got so sweaty when I gave him that mix CD? I guess he must have really liked it. A first date is never too soon for personal, romantic presents. Oh God I hope I didn’t mess up.
6. Was I showing too much boob?

7. What’s his sex face like?
8. He wouldn’t let me pay for anything. Oh dear… he was trying to buy sex, wasn’t he?

9. He wanted to go halves on dinner, and therefore is clearly not interested. It’s fine. Move on. Be strong. Delete his number and don’t even think about giving him a chance to say “let’s just be friends.”
10. If he does manage to say “let’s just be friends,” chew off his thumbs.

11. I’d rather chew my own thumbs off than ring him first.
12. Probably shouldn’t have mentioned the ex.

13. My mobile keeps looking at me. Should I throw it under this bus? Oh wait, then he wouldn’t be able to phone me.
14. Just thought of the perfect text! I’ll save it as a draft. Obviously can’t send it to him. I’m not as stupid as I look.

15. Wonder if I’m better in bed than his last one?
16. That kiss was awful. But I can train him, he’s the right side of 40.

17. Wonder if he’d get down on one knee, or do it at the top of the Eiffel Tower?
18. I’m terrified of putting him off by seeming too keen.

19. I’m terrified of putting him off by not seeming keen enough.
20. Where is this relationship going?

21. He seemed keen, but he’s better looking than me. I don’t want anyone to think: “ugly girlfriend.”
22. I don’t mind so much if they think: “he must be attracted by her incredible charm and amazing bedroom technique.”

23. What’s the deal with that female friend he mentioned? Is she his ex? Is she pretty? Is she thin?

24. Do I think too much?