Ever wondered why the people that you like never seem to fancy you, but the ones that you don’t like always seem to fancy the pants off you? Well you’re not alone. As a love coach and dating expert, this is a pattern that I see time and time again. This is a snippet from a love coaching session with one of my female clients:
Client – “When I like a guy, they don’t fancy me. And when they like me, I just don’t fancy them”.
Me – “OK, so tell me about the last date that you went on where you didn’t fancy the guy.”
Client – “It was like going out with a friend, I wasn’t that bothered about what he thought, I ordered a pint and I was just being myself”
Me – “And what about if you DID fancy him?”
Client – “I would have been more girly with him, I would have ordered a white wine instead of a pint and I would have sipped it and been more delicate and ladylike. I’m usually a bit of a loudmouth who likes to crack jokes but if I fancied him, I would have reigned that in and been more mysterious”
With the guy she fancied, she felt like she needed to perform and impress him to make a good impression. There is a lot at stake here, I mean this could be the person she could marry one day, so she needed to be on her best behaviour, right?
We laughed about the Chris Rock sketch where he speaks about this..
“Relationships; easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie! ‘Cause you can’t get nobody being you… When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.”
So my question to you is…
Who do you bring with you on a first date?
Yourself? Or your representative?
If you’re like some of my clients then it’s usually the latter. Why? Because it’s scary to reveal your whole self and so bringing the representative feels like the safer option. It’s the mask that you hide behind so if it doesn’t work out, then you never really lost anything anyway. But when you don’t show up as your whole self, what you sacrifice is human connection. When you have two dating representatives showing up on a first date then it kind of makes the whole thing a bit pointless.
I think it’s no coincidence that my love coaching clients are getting the most attention from the dates that they don’t fancy. When the pressure is off and the stakes are lower, they’re just being themselves, in their most natural and relaxed state. And that is all anyone really wants from us.
So the next time you find yourself on a first date, show up as yourself and leave your representative at home!
Read Vicki’s Dare To Be You series! << Previous article: You’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea…and that’s a good thing!
For more first date tips, check out our First Date Survival Guide.