Dinner date translations

He says, she says... here's how to decode their dinner-date conversation

What does “do you want a coffee?” really mean? If it’s uttered at the end of a date by someone who fancies you, it probably means a lot of things that they’re far too shy to say. Some daters are brilliant at “reading” date-talk and its hidden meanings – but many of us don’t realise that there’s a whole subtext going on. Read on to find out what’s really being said.

She says: “Let’s sit at that table.”
She means: Let’s sit over there because the light is far more flattering to my skin.

He says: “Let’s sit at that table.”
He means: Let’s sit over there, where fewer passers-by can see me trying to touch your thigh. So, what are the chances of you coming home with me tonight?

She says: “Can I buy you a drink?”
She means: Can you buy me a drink, please? Champagne cocktail would be fine.

He says: “Can I buy you a drink?”
He means: I am a big strong sexy man with the means to fund this evening and many more. I also need beer, because I’m as nervous as hell.

He says: “Haha that’s so girly, ordering a cocktail!”
He means: You think I’m being rude, but in fact I’m teasing you because I am a man and it’s the only way I know how to flirt. Will you have sex with me?

She says: “What do you fancy eating?”
She means: Do you fancy me?

He says: “What do you fancy eating?”
He means: I want pie.

She says: “I’m not sure what to order.”
She means: I want to have the salad but I’m scared that you’ll think I’m boring and unsexy.

He says: “I’m not sure what to order.”
He means: I want pie.

He says (to the waitress): “Bring me your favourite thing on the menu.”
He means: I fancy the waitress, and I am not man enough to try to hide it.

He says: “So the leper said to the transvestite…”
He means: Oh no, I’ve started the jokes… please let someone drop a tray of plates so that I am no longer the biggest loser in the room.

She says: “I love New York. Let’s go there one day.”
She means: Oh no, I’ve started the ‘couple talk’. Please let someone drop a tray of plates so that I am no longer the biggest loser in the room.

He says: “My mum would love you.”
He means: I’m a mummy’s boy and I think I love you.

She says: “My mum would love you.”
She means: I suspect that you fancy me, but I don’t want to see you again, so it’s time to mention my mother.

He says: “Waiter? Get me your manager, I’m reporting you.”
He means: Stay away from me. I am an angry, high-maintenance man and I will make your life a misery.

He says: “Do you fancy some coffee or dessert?”
He means: I really like you, so I don’t want to rush the evening. Plus, I’d like to spoon-feed you with tiramisu.

He says: “Let’s split the bill. I’d best be off home.”
He means: I don’t fancy you.

She says: “Let’s split the bill. I’d best be off home.”
She means: Don’t even think about calling me.

He says: “Let’s split the bill. Do you want to come to a house party?”
He means: I fancy you, but I’ve got an overdraft that’s bigger than your dad’s garage.

He says: “No, let me get the bill.”
He means: I’ll feel like a big sexy man if I pay, so indulge me. But it had better be on you next time.

He says: “Don’t even think about getting your purse out.”
He means: I am man, hear me roar. May I have sex with you now?

She says: “Oh, you want to split the bill? Sure!”
She means: You don’t fancy me, do you? I’ve missed the Come Dine With Me omnibus for this.

He says: “Come onnn, it’s only midnight! Come clubbing! We’ve got all night!” (etc, ad nauseam)
He means: I’ve got no idea about the subtle rules of attraction.

He says: “Would you like a lift? I’ve got an Audi S5 outside.”
He means: Let’s have sex in my Audi. Within the hour, if at all possible.