Ten reasons to hate Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is upon us once again. Here are some reason why we love to hate it….

1. A bitter taste
‘Seafood starter, white chocolate dessert.’ They’re sold as Valentine’s Day ‘specials’ but the ‘romance by numbers’ on every menu makes you feel more like an assembly-line robot.

2. Surprise, surprise
Surely the biggest key to romance is the element of surprise? Think a Friday night ticket to Paris or a ready-run bath at the end of a hard day. The impact is slightly thwarted however, if the rest of the world seems to be planning exactly the same.

3. Out and over
Valentine’s Day falls on Thursday this year, normally a day to celebrate the upcoming weekend. But every restaurant is booked, every bar rammed with couples – even the cinema is clogged with rom-coms. Stop wrecking our social lives, St. Valentine!

4. Size matters
The morning starts privately checking your phone for messages. But on the train, you’re suddenly eyeing up anyone carrying flowers. Then at work, you spend the day stalking the office postman. Try as you might, Valentine’s Day always becomes a competition.

5. Order, order
‘Mind the closing doors’, ‘Remove item from the bagging area’. Our lives are full enough of people – and machines – telling us what to do. To have someone telling us when, how and where to love is one step too far.

6. A lot of puff
Balloons at birthday parties; fine. Balloons at fairgrounds; fine. Red balloons sent with every bunch of flowers and placed on every restaurant chair; not fine. They take up space, they pummel our heads – then what do you do with them afterwards? Watch them wither away. The irony is not lost.

7. Teen trouble
You’re a confident, fully-functioning adult – until Valentine’s Day creeps up. Single or happily settled, there’s something about this date that shoots you right back to the nervous teenager, desperately wondering if someone fancies them.

8. A one-day wonder
Forget the other 364 days of the year where your partner argues over the washing up and turns up late for dinner, Valentine’s Day gives them their eternal get-out clause; ‘I did get you that one bunch of flowers on February 14 …’

9. A fat lot of good…
You’ve been on a diet since January 1, and it’s been going well actually. Then in one big wave of calories, Valentine’s Day dumps chocolates, novelty cupcakes and heart-shaped cookies on you. Resistance is futile.

10. Death by romance
February 14, 1929, a mafia hitman gunned down seven rival gang members in Chicago, in ‘The Valentine’s Day’ massacre. Of course, we’re not advocating violence (or the Mob), but anyone this anti-Valentine’s Day makes a point…