I'm dating coach Hayley Quinn, and welcome to your match LiveCoaching session.
Now, tonight, it's quite exciting.
I'm here to talk to you about how you can bring more fun, more spontaneity and more excitement back into your dating process.
We all know that when we want to experience love, we want to feel like we have that spark and that excitement, but sometimes you may have felt that your dating life is starting to feel a little bit too much like a second job and like a chore for you to go through.
So today, I'm going to give you some strategies for how you can change up how you're meeting people to bring some more of that excitement back into your life and then also how you can use Match in a way that means even in your online interactions, you can really get to know people for who they are and experience that human connection.
So if you haven't seen one of these sessions before, let me just quickly explain to you how the session is going to work.
For the first, almost half of this hour, I'm going to be giving you a presentation. In it, I'm going to be talking to you about places you can meet people, how you can start conversations in real life, what your body language should be like and as I said, how to use online dating really effectively to form a connection with people and also just to prevail excited about your dating life again.
After that first half, we're going to be doing over 30 minutes of live Q&A.
So it's really a fantastic opportunity for you to put me on the spot and ask me your questions about dating.
So if there's something you'd really like me to respond to, I'd really encourage you to send your question in, you can do so by actually typing it in the chat box that's on your screen now.
The chat box is also a fantastic place where you can meet and interact and comment on what other members are doing and sharing.
Finally, this chat box is also going to be used when I give you a quick survey to answer to.
Now, the survey is pretty fun because we get to figure out what everybody else is thinking and feeling about their dating life.
So you will see a survey question pop up, which you can vote yes or no to.
And I will be giving you the results of that survey toward the end of the first half of this session.
In addition to this, if I happen to say something you like, or you think's interesting, you can click on the heart emoji and sort of give me some love.
And I will also be trying to answer questions that have already been sent in throughout the first half of this session.
So to begin with, I'm going to be really focusing on how you can meet more people in real life.
Now, I know this chapter is all about how you can meet more people in real life.
For some of you out there, you may think "Great that's really refreshing, that's just what I need".
For others of you, out there, you may think: "Wow, Hayley, that actually sounds terrifying."
So no matter where you stand on that spectrum, I'm hopefully going to be giving you some useful tools for how you can develop more real life interactions and really use Match events to go out there and meet more like-minded singles.
I would like to say, though, as a little caveat, really, it's not a choice of do I do the in real life thing or do the online dating thing.
It's not an either or for your dating life.
In fact, effective dating is really about staying very open minded to where you might meet someone.
So yes, you may meet someone through a match on the online platform, or you may actually meet somebody at an event in real life by really investing in engaging with both methods of meeting people, you're going to stand the best chance of having success.
So you actually don't have to choose where you meet people doing both is going to be really important.
So before I give you some tips on how you can make the most of those in real life interactions, it's time for our survey, and I'm going to ask you tonight, do you know where and how to meet people in real life?
So perhaps some of you out there really like the idea of being able to meet people in real life but have no idea how to actually go about and do it.
Maybe some of you have found the special postcode or the amazing place where all the best dates hang out.
If so, obviously, you want to hit yes, you do know where those people are.
So why can meeting people in real life be a really good change up for your dating life?
Well, I think sometimes when we are using an app like Match, you can might find yourself falling into bad habits.
Maybe you're on Match whilst you're also kind of catching up on that streaming service and that TV show you really like, and perhaps you're struggling to feel that level of excitement. Perhaps you find it really hard to figure out whose profile you should be paying attention to and who you should be moving forward to a date with.
You may find that actually you've got into a trap of, maybe liking some profiles and perhaps partially beginning conversations but you're no longer feeling enthusiastic enough about dating generally to take those forward to a date.
Now, obviously, I want you to feel as motivated for your dating life as possible.
This is where changing up your routine and just trying something different can be good as a bit of a mental reset to help you approach dating with that fresh perspective that will enable you to feel excited again.
And when you're in that mindset of feeling excited and optimistic, of course, this is a much better space for you to actually recognize the potential that people have.
Right now, If you're feeling a bit demotivated and that dating is like a chore, it's actually going to be harder for you to recognize good opportunities whether you meet them online or in real life.
Now, real life dating has this benefit then of perhaps in a nice way, feeling a bit more: "Oh, I'm on the edge of my seat. Something really exciting could happen", but equally it can feel difficult to know where and how it's appropriate to meet people in real life.
And then also, even if you know you're somewhere like a Match event where you can meet people in real life, how do you actually go about doing that?
Sometimes breaking the ice and starting conversations actually feels really difficult.
You may worry about the other person judging you or running out of things to say.
So in this section, I'm going to hopefully give you a few tips to help you address that.
So why are match events so good as a starting point if you want to meet people in real life?
I actually, as a coach, believe you can meet people not quite everywhere, but in lots and lots of places.
However, to go from not meeting anyone at all to suddenly, you know, you're confidently chatting to someone you meet at a bar, that can be a big jump for you to make.
So going to an event where you have context, where you know that everybody else is single and you don't have that worry about whether they've actually got it, they're already married, or you're starting a conversation with someone who isn't there for the same reasons as you are.
An event like a Match event gives all that context, and it can actually just help you to feel less anxiety and more able to interact with people.
Once you've developed some confidence, it then becomes easier to start interactions in other spaces and places.
So to begin with, you want to start thinking about meeting people in real life, through the idea of what's going to feel really easy and what's going to feel comfortable for me.
So a singles event after work means you don't have to go home and re motivate yourself to come back out again.
You can just carry on straight after you finished work.
You can then, maybe if you only stay for 30 or 60 minutes, it will feel easier for you to make that time commitment.
And because you know everybody's single, it will remove a bit of that pressure around whether they want the same things as you.
Match events also have a dedicated brand ambassador who's there to greet you, so you will know one person at least in that room, and they'll also have lots of fun activities which will help to act as icebreakers.
So perhaps by starting to go to these match events in real life, it will then help you to build the confidence to go and meet people elsewhere.
Now, when you're at a Match event or in fact anywhere, there are also a few tips I wanted to share with you to help you to socially engage and interact with that event positively.
The first one is all about how you can break the ice.
So a lot of the time, we can have this idea in our mind that starting a conversation with someone is a really big ordeal, that we need to have some magical, amazing, witty, romantic comedy worthy, ready thing to say to someone, or they won't pay us any attention.
And in fact, kind of the opposite is true.
I know it doesn't feel this way, but actually, no one is judging you about how witty and amazing the first thing you say to them is.
In fact, the other person is probably feeling a little bit nervous too, and really just wants to feel that they can understand you easily, and they understand why you're trying to communicate with them.
That's why saying simple icebreakers like: "Hi !" Or: "My name's Sarah" Or" My name's David", can actually be surprisingly effective.
It's not the case that if you say this particularly impressive opening line, it's like abracadabra and somebody wants to get to know you.
In fact, an opening line is just an opening line. It doesn't really set the trajectory for where the rest of the conversation is going to go. It just shows an intention on your part to chat and to connect.
So often if we overthink the opening line and the start of the interaction, what you may find happening is you go to events, or you go to a bar, and you see opportunities to talk to people, but you feel completely unable to access those opportunities because you put too much pressure on yourself to come up with this perfect opening line.
So really, we want to not let this perfectionism get in the way of you socially connecting, especially when you're just starting to want to meet people in real life, and you want to inject some of that spontaneity back into your dating life.
We want to keep things really, really simple.
So first of all, congratulate yourself for going to a Match event full stop, that is a win.
Secondly, when it comes to connecting with people, remember, everybody is there for the same reasons. So you can really keep the beginning piece of conversation very simple. Just saying hi is fine. Just introducing yourself as fine or making a simple comment like, "Oh, it is much busier than I expected" or "this is actually my first Match event".
Simple, simple conversation starters will actually be really effective because they're nice and clear and easy to understand.
Now, when you go to an event, it's great if you are comfortable and able to start some conversations with other singles.
And remember, even if you don't meet the love of your life, a Match event can also be a good opportunity for you to feel social, for you to develop your confidence, for you to develop a better routine and habit around socially interacting and exploring real life channels to meet people.
So it could still be a fun night out, even if you don't meet your future life partner.
When you go to an event, though, sometimes for some of you out there, even that idea of, "Oh, Hayley says, just say hi to someone" that may still feel kind of out of reach or that that would be too much or kind of too scary.
What I find as a coach is rather than, again, not going to an event because you're like, "I actually feel like that icebreaker that feels like too much.I don't think I can do that."
Instead, it's about finding the level that you feel comfortable with and a level that you feel safe to engage.
So, for instance, a realistic goal that you might want to have going into a Match event might be, "you know what, it's a big deal for me to actually make the effort to go, I'm going to stay for 30 minutes, I'm going to smile and make eye contact with people and perhaps just notice if there's anyone I would be curious to speak to in the future."
So that might not feel like a big leap. But as I said, as your coach, I understand the value in building up small steps toward your ultimate goal.
So even if your ultimate goal is to get much more confident at meeting people in real life, you might have to take little mini steps to get there.
And if the mini step of saying hi feels like too much, you wind it back to a level that means that you can still access the event and you can still engage with it without it feeling too overwhelming.
This is where having realistic expectations is really important.
A really good expectation if you feel this is you could be, as I said that you make the commitment to go and you recognize opportunities.
And if anything, you walk away going "actually, there are some single people out there that I'd quite like to get to know" or "there are lots of other people who look, you know, I can feel like I'd like to get to know them, and I can see that I'm not alone in this", that could be a really good win.
Another good win could simply be to work on your body language.
So non-verbal gestures can do a lot to help other people to know that we're open to talking to them.
Even if you don't feel the confidence yet to initiate that conversation yourself.
So when you go into an event, simple things that you can focus on are first and foremost, keeping your phone away. So being nice and present after, if we get our phone out, it just sends a signal whilst it can feel comforting, it just sends a signal to the world around us that perhaps we're not that engaged and open speaking.
So keep your phone away, stand or base yourself in a space where there's going to be lots of people around you again. And I say this as a real introvert myself. I know the temptation could be to hide at a table in the corner, but that's going to make it harder for people to engage with you.
So stay at the bar or stay kind of toward the entranceway where there's going to be lots of people around you.
Smiling and eye contact is one of the easiest ways that we signal approachability.
And remember, most people at one of those Match events are going to be in a similar headspace to you.
They may not feel super confident about meeting people yet.
And so you, sending out that positive social cue of being open and ready to talk is going to be really helpful for them to feel comfortable in speaking to you.
Finally, you may also just want to practice some simple body language, like standing side by side with someone.
Often, when we stand side by side, it feels less intense than when we try to approach somebody head on.
Just standing side by side and keeping your body language nice and open. This means you don't hold a drink or, you now, your bag in front of you like a shield.
That again, those simple, basic social skills and body language cues can be a really, really good thing to practice and you may be positively surprised how many people can read those cues and actually make the effort to engage with you.
Again, find the level that you feel comfortable to engage with and if you go, and you just practice some body language, that's still actually really positive, and it means that probably the next time you go to a Match event, you're gonna feel much more comfortable in order to be able to start conversations yourself.
Finally, a big hurdle that you may have mentally when thinking about going to a Match event is that you may worry about "Oh, Hayley, it's great I can say hi, but after that, what do I say?"
Is the conversation just gonna break down? Is there gonna be all silence.
Remember now that your mindset, really, here should be that, the responsibility for keeping a conversation going is 50-50.
It's actually not all on you to really perform and impress the other person.
They're also going to be hopefully making an effort to get to know you too.
And if you're ever stuck for what to say, it sounds again, very simple, but often the best thing that you can share at the start of a conversation, it's just a detail about yourself and your life.,That isn't while you may dismiss that and think, "Hayley, isn't that kind of boastful?" Or "why do they want to know about me?"
When we talk about ourselves, it actually creates some trust in the conversation.
And it shows the other person that you're willing and ready to be open with them.
It gives them also permission to be open with you in return.
Again, simply sharing things like, "oh, this is my first Match event", or "I almost didn't make it this evening because my work's been so busy", or "it's so much busier than I expected it to be".Or, "oh, I'm grateful that you actually came and started chatting to me. I was like just getting into my social groove there."
Anything that expresses how you're feeling or shares a detail about your life, is going to be a really good way to start to emotionally connect with people.
We also can't really run up conversation when we're talking about ourselves.
Remember, often the first start of a conversation isn't directing questions the other person.
It's usually sharing some information about ourselves to build some trust and help the other person to feel safe.
If this all sounds good to you, then I am just going to quickly point out in London and Edinburgh, there is a Match event on tomorrow evening. It's going to be an after work drink. So, a very easy thing for you to commit to that will hopefully slot beautifully into your schedule and also on the 30th of September in London there's a cultural tour. I believe it's going to be in Greenwich.
If you want more conversation starters and to do an activity that's going to help you to connect with more singles, just go, try it out.
And you may be quite positively surprised.
Before I move on to our recap, I'm just gonna answer a couple of quick questions that people sent in advance.
The first question that we have is from Yvonne, who asks: "Why has dating become such a chore?"
Well, Yvonne, I think you probably are the voice of the nation, and you're just verbalizing what lots and lots of people are feeling out there.
Yes, dating can feel like a chore but it's sort of each of our personal responsibilities to try and work to change our attitude around dating so it can feel more enjoyable for us.
Good ways you can do that.
Change it up.
Going to an event or even a hobby or an interest like a cooking class can help you to feel like you've had a bit of a shake-up in your dating life and bring fresh eyes to dating.
It might be also that when you decide whenever you're using Match that you don't try to do two things at once, that you just focus on actually replying quality messages to the people that are messaging you.
That will hopefully also, get away from this feeling that you're just kind of multitasking, and it's another chore on your list.
Thirdly, you can also think about what you can bring and develop more to your own online dating profile.
Seeing it as something that you want to constantly cultivate.
Likewise, you can also consider what dates you're going on.
You don't have to just go for some quick drinks after work with someone. If you prefer doing it a daytime date or if there's perhaps an exhibition that you really want to see, or you'd like to get some fresh air and go for a walk in the park.
Feel free to suggest to someone a date that's going to feel really nice for you to go on as well.
Remember, even if you don't meet the love of your life, hopefully you can go onto that date and feel like you had a positive experience.
Perhaps you learned something new.
Perhaps you developed a bit of confidence in dating.
Perhaps you met a new friend.
There are lots of outcomes that you can get from a first date, which are not "meet the love of my life", that are still really positive.
My next question comes from Kyle who asks: "How do you ask someone out without being too forward?"
First of all, Kyle, it's really great that you're being proactive, and you're thinking about how to actually move from that online chat to meeting someone in real life.
The only caveat I'd add to this is, people will always want to feel like you are choosing to meet them in real life because of something they've contributed to the interaction with you.
If it's the first message you send to them, or they haven't really helped to build the conversation and connection with you.
Asking them out is going to feel mismatched to how they feel about the interaction.
Instead, save your ask outs for when you see that someone's really making an effort to get to know you, too.
This could be sharing information with you that you haven't asked for, kind of trying to be playful and joke around. It could be asking you questions about yourself, it could be about being really open and responsive.
When you notice these characteristics from someone, it's then great for you to express "that made me smile" or "that's really funny", or "it's actually been really nice talking to you".
If you can get to the point where you can express any of those things, actually, moving onwards to the suggesting a date she'll feel like a natural next step.
Focus on the quality of connection first. And once you've got that, suggesting a date is just natural as a follow-on.
Now, before we move on to our next chapter, I'm just gonna do a quick recap of what we've learned so far.
In real life, dating can be a great way to feel more excited about your dating life.
Start by going to Match events where you know that everyone is there with the same intentions.
And don't overthink your opening line. It's actually not all that important.