Video transcriptLive Q&A session
"How is the best way to start a conversation when you are messaging someone for the first time?"
The first one was being sent in by Adrienne, who says, "How is the best way to start a conversation when you are messaging someone for the first time?"
So Adrienne, I think it's all about keeping it personal, playful and to the point.
So when we talk about personal, if we send a generic message like, "Hey, how's your weekend going?", it's actually quite a difficult question to answer. It's a really broad question, and it also won't help that person to feel, "Wow, this person has really chosen to message me because of something that I've done."
So you want to look at a person's profile and of course, particularly pay attention to those people who have really put effort into their profiles, who've added or have used match voice, who've written a nice profile, who've added a good selection of images.
Then you choose something from that selection to comment on.
You can say, "Oh, you're going to have to explain to me how you got into X, or I really like that you're into Y, or I see that you're into X. Have you ever thought about trying Y?"
So just simply acknowledging something that someone has done and put effort into in their profile, it shows that you've actually really read it and it shows that you have standards that you're looking for when you meet people.
The second thing is to keep it playful.
We want to keep our tone when we're writing something as fun and as positive as possible.
That's because rather than paying attention to exactly all the words that we say to someone, what someone inadvertently pays more attention to is how they feel when they're interacting with us.
So if they feel that you're coming from a space where you're being complimentary, or you're creating fun by asking something playful, that will mean that they feel more positively toward the conversation as a whole.
My favorite little example of this is seeing a picture of someone at a birthday party and saying, "Oh, can you steal me a slice of that cake that was in your picture?" It's silly, it's a little bit abstract, but it really communicates that quality of playfulness.
Finally, we want to keep your message relatively short.
The first message isn't the time and place to ask someone out because, remember, we would like them to contribute to the interaction first.
Likewise, it's not necessarily the place where you need to copy and paste your whole profile and tell them all about yourself.
It's really just kick-starting the dialog and seeing if they are in the same mindset as you of being open and ready to meet someone.
"How can I be better at flirting?"
Our next question comes from Polly.
Polly asks, "How can I be better at flirting?"
Now, I actually think with flirting, it's something that is pretty easy for us to overthink.
So you may have walked away from maybe a conversation with someone online or offline recently feeling like it wasn't a success because you didn't do the flirting thing well enough.
And in fact, flirting doesn't have to be this whole separate part of your conversation.
Quite simply, if you start a conversation with someone online or in real life, if you show appreciation for something that they have contributed to the interaction.
So saying, "That really made me smile," or "That's really funny", or "I've never heard someone say that to me before," "I really like how open you are," or anything like that, any expression of, "I like how you've engaged with me," followed by suggesting moving the conversation forward. So obviously, if you're chatting online, that would be to suggest a date. If you've met in person, it could be swapping numbers. If you've done those three things for a first interaction, actually that's enough flirting. Anything more than that may feel like too much.
So remember, when it comes to flirting, it's one of those things you may have a bigger idea of what you need to do with flirting.
You may build it up and feel like you're not good at it and use that to psych yourself out of interactions.
Instead, let's keep it really simple.
Have you begun an interaction with someone?
Have you expressed appreciation for something they've contributed?
Have you suggested seeing them again or staying in touch?
If you've done any of these things, the flirting is good.
Also, when you later on in the interaction, when perhaps you are on that first date or second date, and both of you start to feel a bit more relaxed as you're getting to know one another, the other layers of flirtation, of being more teasing or playful or banter or however you think about flirting, they will naturally start to occur in the conversation because you can do this.
It's just that feeling of, I guess, anticipation that can sometimes get in the way of you accessing your natural flirtatious self.
"Should I be asking the questions when chatting with a woman or should I let her take the lead?"
The next question comes from Craig.
He says, "Should I be asking the questions when chatting with a woman or should I let her take the lead?"
Well, I think that's, again, all about balance and I know there's some really funny dating advice to help there, which is like, "Oh, you should be talking 80% of the time, or she should be talking 80% of the time."
So don't let any of these full statistics get in your way.
When it comes to chatting with someone, you want to combine asking questions that you really genuinely would like to know the answers with, whilst also sharing information about yourself and pausing to let her contribute to the conversation, too.
As I mentioned earlier in this session, whilst your natural tendency might be just to ask questions, ask questions, ask questions because often that's how we've been taught to express interest in someone.
How the other person might feel if they get question- question-question?
Is that they can actually feel a bit put on the spot and like it's an interview.
Instead, when we mix up asking questions with also sharing information about ourselves, it helps the other person to feel more comfortable.
So a really good framework for this can be a question-answer statement.
So perhaps, you ask a question like, "What are your plans for this weekend?"
The other person answers, and then you share a statement about what your plans for this weekend are.
The conversation should feel balanced between the two of you.
Also, when we're a bit nervous, the tendency can be just to talk, talk talk talk.
In fact, that's probably what I've been doing a little bit this evening.
So instead, what you can do is practice pausing.
Pauses are great.
They're actually, going back to, I think it was Polly's question about flirtation, pausing is just, again, a really simple and easy way to create a little bit of tension that feels nice.
It doesn't mean the conversation is failing.
And then it also creates space where the other person can also take the lead in the conversation.
So remember, a good conversation is going to feel balanced, you're going to use question-answer statements.
You're always balancing sharing information about yourself whilst also asking questions that you care about.
And finally, pausing is good because it creates natural moments of tension and flirtation and it enables the other person to really contribute to the conversation and have their input.
"How do you politely ask someone you're talking to on Match about their financial situation?"
My next question comes from Beatrice: "How do you politely ask someone you're talking to on Match about their financial situation?"
Good question, tricky subject.
Now, finances, though I'm with you, Beatrice, it might not sound romantic, but when you're building a long-term relationship and your finances will gradually become intertwined at a certain stage of the dating process, possibly not on the first thing you say on a first date, it may feel relevant for you to have increasingly more open conversations about your finances.
The best way to lead into this, going back to that technique that I keep mentioning today, is really about beginning to share your own perspective first.
If you put someone on the spot and say, "How's your money management?"
It's probably going to make someone feel judged, or there could be too much intensity with how you put that across.
If you share your own perspective about what's some important values to you around money, it will make the other person feel more comfortable because they'll understand where you stand on a particular topic, and that will make it feel easier for them to share.
So you could, for instance, say, "I'm such a saver, I'm really trying to focus on getting my house deposit together, so I'm being super frugal at the moment. I'm like unfunny, but I'm really pleased with my saving progress."
Sharing something like that, it's natural for the other person then if you pause to step in and share their perspective.
And you may find this conversational technique just feels a bit less abrasive and feels softer, and it just gives the other person a better space for them to open up.
Match events
Now, I've just also noticed that a few of you in the chat have asked about the event's general availability.
My best advice I can give to that is for you to regularly check the events section, which will show events within reach of your hometown.
If you want to see a particular event that isn't yet being done by Match, you can email suggestions to our customer care team.
So it's really great for you to participate and get involved in that way.
So, hopefully lots more of you will be coming to our Match events soon.
"When I talk to someone new, I find my body language is too erratic..."
My next question comes from Khalid, who says, "When I talk to someone new, I find my body language is too erratic. Head movement, hand gestures. I'm assuming it's better to have a still body posture. I'm guessing this is just a defense mechanism for being nervous."
Oh, I love this question.
It's really detailed, and I actually really value you for being able to share that because I think when you are very open and honest, you're probably asking questions that other people would really love to know the answers, too.
So I'm going to answer this in two ways, Khalid.
To begin with, I'm a big fan of when you're thinking about your social interactions, think about what you have to do now to engage, and then think about what's the next step.
So perhaps in an ideal, perfect world that doesn't exist and none of us live in, if we were talking to someone, we may be like James Bond or be super cool and composed and relaxed in our body language, that might be an ideal goal to reach.
However, for most people, most people won't immediately be able to access that in their interactions because meeting new people can just simply feel intense. And the good news is, over time, the more match events you go to, the more you meet people in real life, the intensity will cool down, and then you'll feel more able to have that relaxed, open body language that you want.
But to begin with, that may not be how you first interact with people.
And that's actually okay because by interacting with people, you're gaining the necessary experience and exposure for you to feel more relaxed in the future.
And sometimes when we do an erratic movement, whether that's we all have our different things, it might be clearing hair from your face, it could be you notice your hands are a bit twitchy or your head movement is a bit jerky.
Sometimes those erratic movements actually help us to displace that feeling of, "Whoa, this is quite, this makes me feel quite a lot of anxiety."
So actually, you don't want to take away the displacement mechanism to start with until your feeling of intensity has cooled off.
So be a bit kind to yourself here and give yourself some permission that actually this is using perhaps having that twitch or that slightly erratic body language. At the beginning this may be part of your process of getting to know people.
And it's actually okay, and surprisingly, just as just a normal thing that people do.
So I'd say normalize it in your mind and recognize that could be part of the process.
Then further down the line, when you're regularly going to events, you will start to gradually feel like, "This is more normal" because we tend not to worry or feel much stress toward things that we do really regularly.
So once meeting people in real life becomes a more regular part of your routine, you may find that your body language naturally becomes more calm and more relaxed.
And yes, ideally we want to aim for relaxation in an interaction.
Sometimes that can also be a really nice thing to focus on developing, once you've gained a bit more experience, that could be just remembering to take a deep breath, remembering to pause, remembering to make eye contact with someone and be present.
All of those things can be really, really helpful and good later on in an interaction.
But don't judge yourself as not good enough if you're not immediately able to do that.
"Have you any advice for a video call? I find this idea quite scary."
The next question comes from Jenny, who asks, "Have you any advice for a video call? I find this idea quite scary."
So, when I hear someone expressing that something feels scary, I automatically think, as your coach: "Okay, if that's a bit scary and that feels a bit too far for you to go right now, what's a level that you feel that you could engage with?"
So, perhaps we don't do a video call, perhaps you just do a voice call, and that will feel somewhat easier.
Perhaps you swap phone numbers with somebody and you brave sending them a voice note.
So, you still want to, if possible, move toward using more human forms of connection, which is basically when we use our voice and verbal communication rather than just written communication. This helps you to make better decisions about whom to spend your time with and it helps both of you to feel more excited about the prospect of meeting one another.
However, if a video call is like: "Oh God, the lighting isn't good, my hair's a mess, what do I?" It feels like too much, then just find a kind of slightly different level of maybe just doing an audio call or swapping some voice notes that you find it easy to engage with.
If you do want to commit to doing the video call, a couple of little tips that can help with this are simply to keep it short, so you can do it as you're on your way to doing something else. It could be you're on the way to the train station and you just do a quick chat then or you're cooking some food.
If you're a little bit distracted and you're physically moving around, again, it will help you to find that video call slightly less intense and then you also, just in case there's not a connection, you have a kind of natural end to the video call that's coming up in a few minutes where you have to take your carrots off the boil or hop onto a train and sometimes having a bit of a get out clause will, again, make it feel easier for you to take that step and do the video call with someone.
And if you can take steps more consistently in your dating life, you will meet someone amazing.
It's just about learning consistently to take the right action steps.
"How do you move the online conversation to meeting in real life?"
Natalie now asks, "How do you move the online conversation to meeting in real life? Some people just want to send endless messages."
So, Natalie, I think what's important here is for you to differentiate who really is just, you know, maybe there is a small minority of people out there who, because they feel very anxious or they are using chatting for other reasons, that they don't have a genuine intention to meet in real life.
Lots of other people, the vast majority, will probably want to meet in real life, but they'll want to do it at a stage where they either feel comfortable, or they may not know when you feel like you want to meet and they could be waiting for a perfect moment in the interaction to suggest meeting that just hasn't happened.
So what I would suggest, Natalie, that you do is you can go forward and strongly hint or suggest that you'd like to meet in real life, so you could say, "I'm so much better at real life chats," or "You're making me smile, so it'll be great to get to chat to you more in person," or "I really would love to go out and be in the sunshine this weekend," or "What do you think of this exhibit? It looks really cool."
So just suggesting and showing intention toward meeting in real life for the people that you're interacting with who lack a bit of confidence to make their intentions clear, that may help them to suggest meeting you in real life.
If after a huge hint drop someone still isn't picking up on things then you may want to consider that perhaps this person just isn't quite meeting your standards for what you need from a person to continue to feel excited about interacting with them.
So, in this case, you may decide actually that perhaps, whilst you like some things about someone's profile, the pace at which they want to take the relationship at and the communication style isn't creating compatibility for you and you may want to let that interaction go.
So remember, communicate what you want and give the other person the opportunity to date and relate to you in a way that's positive for you.
We may not all arrive at the same destination on exactly the same timeline and that's okay.
And if at this stage, after that stage, the person still isn't stepping forwards, then you may have got a clear indicator that, whilst they've got some positives, that they're not relating to you in a way that matches up with the relationship style that you want and they haven't quite matched up with that and you may feel more comfortable letting the interaction go.
"As someone with a disability, is it advisable to always say about having a disability in your main profile?"
My next question is from Derek, who says, "As someone with a disability, is it advisable to always say about having a disability in your main profile?"
So, first of all, Derek, whether you have a disability that's visible or invisible, we all will have something in our lives which makes us not the perfect person that we have to share at some point, and in sharing that and gaining acceptance, that's the foundation of having a really amazing relationship with someone.
Your disability is yours to disclose.
There's some sense in disclosing it early on, in your online dating profile, if it's a physical disability, that might be through a picture or it could be something that you briefly mention, so it doesn't have to be the whole purpose of your profile, but you may want to, in a kind of prosaic way, say: "I should also mention I have X. This means Y can feel a bit trickier for me. But I love my life. I'm really happy, I'm really comfortable within myself."
So, you can mention something like that because that might provide a valuable filter for you where you feel you're, again, having purposeful conversations with people who have chosen to accept you and feel excited about the prospect of getting to know you as you are.
Likewise, however, if you'd rather get to the point where you have a date with someone and perhaps your disability isn't quite so obvious and you want to build some trust and make sure there's a connection there before you share that information about yourself, that'd be equally okay.
I think this really comes down to what kind of disability you have, how it impacts your life and also how it might impact your dating experience. So obviously, if you have a physical disability or something that limits you in terms of the kind of dates that you would choose to go on or feel comfortable going on, then disclosing earlier might make sense.
If you have something which doesn't limit how you go on dates and perhaps is less immediately obvious or something that you'd rather make sure you're disclosing to someone you feel a degree of trust with, that's also okay.
I can say, though, my mom is actually disabled, so I am the definite result of a positive disabled success story.
So, there's no reason why having a disability should hold you back in the world of dating and there's going to be so many people out there who will love, accept you and be excited to get to know you as you are.
"Is it considered okay if after three dates you're invited to a meal at their home?"
My next question comes from Trisha. It said, "Is it considered okay if after three dates you're invited to a meal at their home?"
This is a good question because there aren't really any set rules with dating.
It comes down to what you personally feel comfortable with.
So, similar to how I answered the question to Derek, let's make this personal to you, Trisha.
The other person who invites you to the date three, they obviously may feel… they obviously feel comfortable with you coming over to their house and making you a meal there because they're suggesting it.
However, that doesn't mean that there's a sort of unwritten rule that everyone has to be okay with that.
If that feels a bit too soon or you're not quite comfortable with that as a suggestion, you can still make a counter suggestion, but in a way that will still feel positive to the conversation overall.
You don't want to be too harsh on someone to begin with or perhaps assume that, because they're inviting you to their house, that they have this ulterior motive or it doesn't match your lifestyle choices, we don't need to go into that kind of judgment.
You can simply say, "All that sounds lovely for another time, but I'd like to get to know you better outside the home first" or, "I'd really like to go out and grab a walk. Can we try and do a walk together this weekend instead?" Or, "How about we start with a meal at a restaurant and we can go from there?"
So, be positive, but be okay to advocate for yourself and make a counter suggestion.
As you two are getting to know one another, as I said earlier, you may not be on exactly the same timeline for how quickly you want to reach certain relationship milestones and that's okay.
All of us are different and none of us come with a user manual, but how you find the good partners, of which there are many for you, is you get more comfortable expressing your preferences and then you see how the other person relates and responds to you.
"How to find time for dating someone?"
So, my next question comes from Gordon, who says, "Life can be so busy sometimes. I work five days a week. On my days off all I do is catch up with family and friends, catch up with domestic duties and, if I have time, take a rest or pursue hobbies. How is it possible to do all of this and find time for dating someone?"
Oh, great question.
So, here's what I say.
Busyness is a characteristic rite of modern life.
We often all feel like we're over-tasked, have too much going on.
Lots of you out there may relate to Gordon's question about feeling like sometimes your life is so full it's hard to kind of make time for a date, particularly if you don't feel really confident that you're going to experience a connection when you meet someone.
What I'd say to that is dating isn't always a priority for all of us, so just because you're single it doesn't mean that dating is a priority.
Being single as Gordon has demonstrated it can be a fantastic time to do lots of other things.
However, if dating is a priority for you and you've decided that right now you want to focus on this and you'd love to meet a really great life partner, you need to give it time, just like any other goal in any area of your life, if you wanted to get fit, if you wanted to start a business, if you wanted to do a creative project, it needs time.
So something's got to give.
That might mean, for instance, that you book out time in your week when you can have dates or you can get to know somebody.
It might mean that, instead of doing a hobby that's more solitary, like hitting the weight section at the gym, you do a gym class where you at least might meet someone whilst you're also pursuing a hobby.
You may get smart about your time.
You also will need to set aside time to make this goal a reality.
So first thing is to decide whether this is really important to you right now.
If it is, create the space in your diary, recognise that you have to give something time to reach the goal and then look for easy wins about how you can substitute perhaps some of the activities that you're already doing with ones that enable you to meet other people.
For instance, going to one of these Match after-work drink events is a great way where perhaps, by taking an hour out of your day after work to just sort of pop in, you still increase your chances of meeting new people.
"How to make it crystal clear I'm seriously looking for the one and I don't want to play games or be in a situationship without sounding pushy or desperate or intense?"
My next question comes from Sal, who asks, "How to make it crystal clear I'm seriously looking for the one and I don't want to play games or be in a situationship without sounding pushy or desperate or intense?"
Sal, it can be…
This can be a difficult one to navigate in the wonderful world of modern dating where we normally have to get to know someone a bit and then we have to have a conversation about commitment before anything becomes clear.
Here's what I would say.
First of all, during the unclear time because, even at the beginning of an interaction, before we go into the commitment chat, the first thing you want to do is really establish, "Do we even like one another? Do we get on? Can we have fun together?"
During that period of time see value in the fact that things are unclear.
I know that sounds strange, but hear me out.
What you should be thinking of is, "Right now I'm actually sort of interviewing for the most important role in my life. This isn't a process I can rush. This process of getting to know someone is really important for me making the right decisions."
Secondly, alongside that getting to know someone process you can also use that technique I mentioned earlier which is to get better at just expressing what you want to like.
So, it doesn't have to be directed toward the other person, it doesn't have to be: "So, what do you want?", or "Where do you see this going?"
It could be: "Ultimately, of course, if I meet someone I really like, I'd love to build a relationship with them."
So it can just be expressing how you think and feel about something.
Now, when you express that in a way that's positive and that's not necessarily specific to them in the beginning, you could also listen out for their response.
And you want to listen really carefully and also really take people at their word.
And if someone isn't expressing the same things or perhaps, you know, there's a bit of a tumbleweed in the conversation, or they change the topic quickly, or perhaps they express the opposite that they are actually just looking for something casual right now, you want to really listen to them and take them at that word.
We never want to try and convince someone that they want a relationship style that they haven't chosen for themselves.
Instead, you want to keep focusing your time, your energy and your efforts on meeting people who are in the same stage in their life as you are.
So, you want to figure that out by, first of all, giving yourself the opportunity to get to know someone, by being clear about what you want, by expressing it in a really positive way, by listening to what somebody says about themselves and really taking them at their word, and finally you also want to look at their actions, so we also want to see someone who is really consistently living up to what they say they're looking for by constantly showing effort to get to know you and create that space in your life.
As ever I've actually really loved the questions.
You have all surprised me and amazed me in such a positive way by being so honest and authentic.
I also want to say that some of the questions you've asked, not only have hopefully helped you, but have helped other people.
"When there's so much choice in Match, how can I be my best human self?"
I've got a final question that's just come in from Zach.
And he says, "When there's so much choice in Match, how can I be my best human self?"
Yes, there is a lot of choices, but remember, when we're looking to meet people, we want to find the best person for us to do that.
First of all, we want to put effort and time into our dating lives.
That means building out a profile that really represents who you are, using those voice notes, adding new pictures to your profile.
Secondly, it's about having high-quality conversations with people.
So even if you're just chatting on an app, turning that TV show off, asking questions you really care about.
If you feel intrigued about someone, suggest a further stage to get to know them whether that's a voice chat, a video chat, or a date.
So again, that's usually enough to show intention and to flirt.
If you don't want to take things forward, again, be open, and kind, and clear by sending a simple message to someone that you don't want to proceed.
Then, when it comes to your dates, trying to choose dates that you can both feel excited and interested about.
If currently dating has felt like a bit of a chore for you, remember, it doesn't mean that dating actually is a chore.
It means that something needs to shift in your outlook toward dating.
So you can approach it again with a fresh perspective, so you can feel that excitement that comes with meeting someone new.
So thank you again for all the incredible questions.
I've really loved them.