Understanding Modern Dating: What It Really Means to Be Dating

The world of dating is very different from what it was 30 and even 20 years ago. After centuries of men and women meeting in public places and enjoying drinks, we’ve transitioned to a world where most people connect online and share lots of information before they even meet. It’s so much easier, and while there are no doubt those who prefer the old-school ways of doing things, modern dating is generally much better for everyone.

But it means that the very definition of dating is not the same as it once was. So, what exactly is dating as it exists today, and what impact has modern dating had on the way we think, talk, and interact?

The Evolving Definition of Dating

The concept of “dating” didn’t really exist during the times of the Greeks and Romans. They were patriarchal societies in which women had very few rights. Being a female commoner in ancient Rome meant you were expected to marry and bear children, preferably boys. You were the property of your husband, and while people still developed strong feelings, fell in love, and even had brief whirlwind romances, it was a very different time.

It was a different story during the Middle Ages, a time of chivalrous knights and damsels in distress, but even then, relationships were often a means to an end. After all, daughters of kings were frequently married off to create strong bonds with other nations, often at a very young age.

What we think about as “dating” and “courting” became more common in the 17th century. It was then romanticised further by novelists like Jane Austin in the following century. Couples met, fell in love, and eventually married. It was much the same for the next couple of hundred years, but that all changed with the advent of the internet and online dating.

Our very own Match.com was the first online dating site. It launched back in 1995. To put that into perspective, that’s 9 years before Facebook and just a year after Amazon! People were introduced to the concept of dating over the web and the site connected countless singles. For the first decade or so, online dating was considered novel, with many couples still meeting for the first time offline. Today, the tables have turned and the majority of new relationships begin online.

How Technology Has Changed Dating Dynamics

Obviously, meeting someone in a bar is very different from meeting online. But the impact of technology on online dating goes much deeper than that:

• More choice means people are less likely to settle
• Anxious daters can now connect at their own pace
• It’s easier to connect with people who share similar interests
• Texts and instant messages are often used during a breakup
• Even people from very small towns can find the perfect person for them
• Long-distance relationships are easier due to improved connectivity

Key Concepts of Dating Someone

Another way that technology has changed dating is that it seems to have loosened the definition of the word itself. In the past, if you were dating someone it meant you were in a relationship. These days, the dating phase is just the start. It advances to “exclusive dating“, which means you are dating them and no one else, and then to a committed relationship, which is also known as being “official”.

The lines between fling, dating, relationship, and commitment were all pretty blurred in the past, but these days they are becoming more defined.

Different Stages of Dating

To try and break down the phases of a modern relationship, let’s look at what the stages are and discuss how they differ:

• Exploring: At this preliminary stage, daters are simply looking for someone who catches their eye.
• Connection: Two people find each other online, flirt a little, and arrange to meet.
• Casual dating: During the meeting, the potential new couple gets to know one another. There is no exclusivity at this point. Both keep their online profiles and both will continue looking/dating.
• Exclusive dating: The couple agrees to stop dating others and to spend more time together (going on dates, exploring physical and emotional intimacy, etc,.).
• Official: They are now in a relationship and will start to tell their loved ones.
• Serious: Relationships may be described as serious when they make it through the early stages (a time when lust rules and hormones are in control) and still have strong feelings for one another. They are set for the long term.
• Rebound: A term used to describe a relationship that happens immediately after another, with the dater often rebounding from a previous relationship to find solace elsewhere.

Of course, what dating means for one person will not be the same as another. The rules are not set in stone.

Challenges and Controversies in Dating

Modern dating has clearly introduced a lot of interesting and—for the most part—positive changes. But there have also been a few challenging ones.

Ghosting is one such issue. It occurs when someone completely cuts you out of their digital life. They block you on social media, ignore your texts, and even change their contact information, often without stating the reason. In truth, however, ghosting has always existed, it was just a lot easier in the days when ‘losing’ a phone number was all you needed to do.

Also, it’s less of a dating issue and more of a closure issue. You can’t force someone to be with you and if they go to such lengths, they clearly don’t want you. But it would be nice to know the reason.

Mixed signals are also more common online, as it’s hard to confer emotions like love, passion, interest, and sarcasm in text. You might think they really like you when actually they’re just being polite and wish you’d stop talking to them. You might be “left on read” (when a message is marked as “read” but there is no response) and assume they have lost interest when in fact they were distracted and forgot.

Safety and Precautions in Dating

Seeing dating through the eyes of a technophobe in a long-term, healthy relationship can be pretty scary. The news is filled with stories of scams and warnings about killers who met their victims online. It happens, but it’s very rare, and it’s also more a reflection of the ubiquitous nature of online dating as opposed to any inherent hazards.

After all, we’re sure that many serial killers picked up their victims from bars and restaurants—does that mean that public eateries are high-risk? Of course not.

Here are some tips for staying safe and secure in the modern dating environment:

• Don’t lose your sense of self. It might be easy to lie about your looks, interests, and career, but it makes no sense when the goal is to eventually meet that person. They will find out.
• Be wary of requests for money.
• If a celebrity profile messages you on social media from what they say is a new or private account, it’s likely a scam. Scammers often find victims from celeb fan pages and target them knowing they have a weakness for that person.
• Don’t agree to meet someone you don’t know in their home.
• If the red flags are waving, trust your gut and look elsewhere. Don’t let their good looks tempt you into persisting, as you’ll just be disappointed in the long run.

Conclusion: Personal Reflections on Dating

Whatever meaning dating has in your world, there’s a good chance that it’s drastically different from the one that existed when your grandparents were young. People connect quicker and easier than ever; they find more suitable people, and they usually have a lot more fun. Relationships have also changed. A couple of decades ago, you only really heard of people seeing a relationship therapist on TV shows, usually ones set in big cosmopolitan cities like New York, but these days most people acknowledge just how beneficial therapy can be for fixing issues in their relationships.

So, to summarise, what does it mean to be dating? Well, it could mean you’re just getting to know someone, falling in love with them, or testing the waters by going on dates with multiple people. It’s fluid, it’s what you want it to be, and if you ask us, that beats old-fashioned dating any day of the week.

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