Do Breaks in Relationships Work?

Through seasons 3 and 4 of the US sitcom Friends, Ross and Rachel, New York’s favourite fictional couple, take a break from their relationship, only for Ross to sleep with someone else and Rachel to label him as a “cheater”. It leads to Ross’s iconic quote “We were on a break!” and raises some very important and divisive questions about relationship breaks. What are they, how do they work, do they work, and what rules must you follow to make a relationship break work?

The Concept of Breaks in Relationships

You’ve probably heard the saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”. It’s a quote that can be traced back nearly 200 years in its full form. But the notion of separation strengthening relationships goes back even further, with Sextus Propertius writing, “Always toward absent lovers love’s tide stronger flows” two thousand years ago.

The idea of a relationship break is that it will give a couple time to work on their relationship (and themselves) while allowing separation to create stronger bonds. It can be a healthy solution to a destructive problem, one that could ultimately make a struggling relationship work.

Why Do People Need Breaks?

A couple may decide that they need time to work things out if they are experiencing any of the following issues:

Emotional exhaustion

You can feel emotionally exhausted for a number of reasons. Maybe your partner is going through a difficult time at work and taking their stress out on you. Maybe you have issues with your career or family and feel like they are just making it worse. Either way, good mental health is important and spending time apart could be the solution.

Uncertainty about the relationship

A couple may feel like the relationship isn’t going anywhere. It could be that feelings of love and lust have turned to frustration and contempt. Maybe they are not on the same page regarding a major decision, such as starting a family. Taking time to think things through and work out issues could help.

Personal growth and space

One of the most common reasons for taking a break is that people feel smothered. Imagine that you’ve been alone for a long time, either because you’re young and have lived independently as you study/work or because you were divorced/widowed and struggle to get back into the dating world.

All of a sudden, you hook up with a new single man or single woman, get to know them, and start spending all of your time with them. Before you know it, you’re living with that person and they become your life.

After a few years or even months, you may feel smothered, like you have lost your freedom and independence. Such feelings are often exasperated following job losses and periods of illness, or even during the lockdowns, with couples then spending more time at home together. It’s natural to want a little separation, a little breathing room.

Cases Where Breaks Worked

There are a few cases of celebs breaking up, getting back together, and staying together. Despite the constant attention from paparazzi, there’s a lot we don’t know about their lives and they obviously want to maintain a level of privacy. As a result, we don’t know if they were officially on a break or just broke up and then reconciled, but Hollywood is littered with such stories.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are one of the most famous examples. They spent years apart but were seemingly destined to be together. Gabrielle Union/Dwayne Wade, Justin Bieber/Hailey Baldwin, and Katy Perry/Orlando Bloom all experienced similar breaks, only to get back together and commit to one another.

When Can Breaks Be Beneficial?

A break can be beneficial to any relationship experiencing tension. It can provide marriage, family, and even social benefits, while also reigniting the spark in the bedroom.

Re-evaluating the relationship

A break in a relationship gives both sides a chance to step back and look at the bigger picture. It’s a time to re-evaluate—is the relationship still worth it, is it going anywhere, do they want it to continue?

It’s hard to adopt a neutral stance when you’re constantly arguing with your partner or worrying that you can’t live without them. If they’re no longer breathing down your neck, you can consider the pros and cons more clearly.

Focus on personal growth

In a long-term relationship, it can feel like you’re two people. Everything you do is connected to your partner, and if you’re having a hard time, you may struggle to heal and grow as a person. A break may provide you with that freedom, slowing things down and creating some much-needed space.

Negative Aspects of Taking a Break

We mentioned Ross and Rachel at the start of this article. They clearly didn’t make a break work for them and chaos ensued. There are some risks, including:

• The Potential for Misunderstandings: Even if your intentions for wanting a break are pure, your partner might not see it that way. They might see it as the end of the relationship.
• The Risk of Drifting Apart: A little distance helps, but too much could push you away from one another.

How to Ensure a Break is Beneficial

To avoid any dramatic fallout and keep the relationship healthy, remember the following:

• Establish Clear Boundaries: For a break to work, the couple need to be clear on the ground rules. Is it okay to see other people, how long will it last, what are the goals, and what will you tell friends and family?
• Set Communication Rules: This is always a good rule of thumb. Taking time to work on yourself is not easy if your partner is calling you every day, asking where you are, and wondering if you’re ready. You don’t need to avoid contact with one another, but you should establish a healthy amount of communication.
• Planning for Post-Break: A break can help to reignite feelings, but if nothing else changes then you could be facing the same issues several months or years down the line. Think about making post-break changes that will ensure the issues don’t repeat, including a change in living situation or seeing a couples/family therapist.

Expert Opinions: Do Relationship Breaks Actually Work?

What do experts think about relationship breaks? Well, as you might expect, it depends on who you ask. Most seem to be in favour of breaks when they are done correctly, but there are detractors.

In Favour: Psychologists and Relationship Experts

Speaking to VeryWellMind, Kathryn Ford, MD notes that breaks can be helpful to change habits and heal destructive relationships, while Steve Ward told Psychology Today that they can be a “welcome reprieve” but warned there is a very fine line between a break and a breakup. This is a point that many experts make, highlighting the need to do things the “right” way and to acknowledge that the result might not be what the couple were expecting.

Against: Psychologists and Relationship Experts

Frieda Birnbaum, Ph.D., a psychoanalytic therapist and research psychologist told Shape that taking a break “does not heal the wounds” and may only cause temporary reprieve. Furthermore, many experts warn that taking a break after an incident of infidelity can breed contempt and feelings of revenge.

It might seem like a good idea, but if your partner cheated on you, you’ll likely spend that break worrying that they are with someone else (again), wondering if you should take revenge by hooking up with other people, and bad-mouthing them to your friends. It’s just delaying the inevitable.

Common Misconceptions About Breaks

• It’s the beginning of the end: A break is short-term and designed to help the couple grow and heal. There is a clear goal and it’s not the end.
• It gives them freedom to cheat: It doesn’t have to be that way. That’s why setting rules is key.
• It’s selfish: Sometimes, yes, but if working on yourself and your mental health is selfish, we could all do with being more selfish!
• It’s destructive for families: Not if you plan properly and ensure that kids are not left in a state of concern and uncertainty.
• It doesn’t work: It’s not always effective, but not all relationships can be saved.

Alternatives to Taking a Break

A break isn’t always the best solution. You could try:

• Relationship Counselling: Therapy is often the best solution to healing relationship woes.
• Open Conversation and Discussion: Discuss your issues with your partner and see if you can find a solution.
• A Change in Circumstances: If your issues are worsened by you spending too much time together (whether you work together, both work from home, or are unemployed) try to create some breathing room.

Conclusion: Breaks as a Tool for Relationship Longevity

Relationship breaks can be an effective way to mend a broken relationship and get everything back on track. But as Ross and Rachel discovered, there are some pitfalls and both partners need to be on the same page with regards to ground rules and expectations.

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