Understanding the Inability to Move On: Why Can’t I Get Over My Ex?

You broke up with your ex. You’re not getting back together. It’s time to move on. Yet, no matter how much you try, you can’t stop thinking about your ex. You can’t shake the feeling that you were meant to be together and you’re spending your days thinking about the times you spent together and how they were the perfect person for you.

You’re not alone. It’s something that many people will experience at some point in their lives. So, what’s happening, why are those feelings sticking around, and how can you get rid of them?

The Psychology Behind Lingering Attachments

Right now, you might be thinking that your ex was perfect for you. They have everything you are looking for in a person and you were great together.

That’s actually the problem here. Your ex wasn’t perfect. No one is. You’re doing what many people do in this situation and romanticising the past. It’s the nostalgia effect, like when your grandparents or great-grandparents told you how amazing, friendly, safe, and happy things were when they were younger in the 1940s, even though Europe was rife with fascist movements, London was getting bombed every night, and everyone was trying to kill each other.

You’re remembering all of the good and none of the bad, and you’re seeing things through rose-tinted spectacles. You remember how great the sex was, how great their smile was, how funny they were, and how much fun you had on holiday that time. You’re not remembering that they were perpetually grumpy, incredibly controlling, and generally very hard to live with.

Lust is also part of the reason. When the relationship starts, you’re swamped by hormones and feel-good chemicals. It’s like a drug. When that’s taken away, you enter a withdrawal-like phase. You want to repeat that experience. You crave it. As a result, you begin to obsess about the person who triggered those addictive feelings.

Don’t worry though, as there is a way to banish those feelings, multiple ways in fact. Keep reading to learn more.

The Pervasive Power of Social Media Connections

Unfollowing is essential for putting a stop to those feelings. It can be difficult if you have the same friendship circle as your ex, but you don’t need to block them, just stop following them and implement the no contact rule, minimising contact as much as possible. It’s a happy medium that ensures you stop being reminded of them every day but don’t sever ties completely.

Perceived Loneliness and the Fear of Being Alone

You’re probably not as lonely as you think you are. You have friends and family members who can help you. You don’t need your ex. And if you don’t have many friends or loved ones, you’re still in a position where you can form new friendships and find new lovers.

After a breakup, you should embrace your new independent life to avoid entering a rebound relationship and to get to know yourself better. Once that’s out of the way, lean on others for support and find someone new!

Don’t Cling to Positive Memories

As noted above, one of the reasons you’re clinging to your ex is that you’re only thinking about the good times you spent together and are ignoring everything you disliked about them. No person or relationship is perfect, so think about some of the things you didn’t like and the times you hated them. The goal is not to hate them as such, it’s about stepping back, looking at the situation objectively, and realising that you weren’t in a relationship with human perfection.

Once you start to do that, you might begin to see the reasons why the relationship ended and will acknowledge that there are many more—potentially better—opportunities out there.

Untangling from the Aftermath of Emotional Rollercoasters

Sometimes, it’s not the happy times that attract us but the drama. If you’re reading this and thinking to yourself, ‘I know my ex was perfect because we were always at each other’s throats, and yet I still want them’, you could be hooked on the drama. It’s the intensity that attracts you and not the comfort. On the surface, that’s okay—all relationships have a little drama and everyone needs passion. But it’s not healthy to crave drama, and what you perceive as passion may have been a relationship fraught with issues.

Arguments happen in healthy relationships. Everyone has disagreements and it’s better to get them out in the open rather than bottling them up and letting them turn to bitterness, jealousy, and anger. But there are limits. There is a line that shouldn’t be crossed, and you may have crossed it with your ex.

Try to learn from that and to see the relationship for what it was. That way, you can focus on building healthier relationships in the future.

Familial Comfort vs. Fear of the Unknown

What would happen if you were to lose your phone and you could never buy a new one? What if the same thing happened to your Wi-Fi connection? You’d probably be distraught and if you’re like the average adult, those losses would have a major impact on your life. You use them every day. You rely on them. They are familiar.

But you don’t love them, and if millennia of human history are anything to go by, you don’t need them either.

If you were with your ex for a long time, it means they played a big role in your life. They were as familiar and as present as your Wi-Fi connection and phone, and you can’t remember a time when they weren’t in your life, but does that automatically mean you loved them and can’t live without them? No.

Communication Ties: The Importance of Cutting Conversational Cords

You’ll probably want to keep your ex close. That way, there’s a chance you will get back together, a chance they will rediscover their love for you and all the rights will be wronged. But that’s only going to tempt you and harm you.

Just as someone avoiding a particular temptation would not keep it within easy reach, it might be beneficial to maintain some distance from your ex. Again, you don’t have to block them completely, but you should put them at a distance. Lock that tempting bottle of whiskey away so it’s never within reach during those moments of temptation!

Reliving Regrets and Coping with Guilt

• ‘If only I hadn’t said what I said’
• ‘If only I had realised that I had something good’
• ‘It’s all because I did that thing’

If this sounds like what’s happening in your head, it’s time to silence those thoughts. Reliving regrets will convince you that everything was perfect and the relationship only ended because of one minor thing. That’s rarely the case, and even if it is, you can’t turn back the clock and undo what you did.

Crafting a Self-Care Plan to Foster Healing

You’re more likely to dwell on the past when the present isn’t going too well. Focus on personal growth and self-care, keep a strong mind and a healthy body, and you might find that those unwanted thoughts take care of themselves.

Conclusion: Finding Peace and Moving Forward

Cutting your ex out of your life and your mind is easier said than done. It takes time and requires some personal healing. But if you follow the steps above and acknowledge that you’re seeing things through rose-tinted spectacles, you can heal. Once that happens, you’ll be ready to date a find a new single man or single woman and will never think about your ex in that way again!

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