A-Z of weird love words

Boost your romantic vocabulary with our lusty linguistic lowdown

It’s a shame that the language of love is so often reduced to three little words. Why only those three, and why so little? There’s a whole library of amorous language out there, waiting to wind its way round your tongue and improve your powers of seduction.
We didn’t invent any of the words on our list – you’ll find many of them on the splendid website http://phrontistery.info. However most of these words have fallen out of common usage, and we think that’s a great shame because they all sound pretty good. Use them right, and they may even give your love life a boost. Let us begin…

Relating to sexual love or desire. Broadly means that you want to rip someone’s trousers off.

Sleeplessness. For example, when you’re lying next to a snoring person whom you fancied a whole lot more when they were awake.

Continued, unyielding passion, such as that helpless desire you feel for someone who won’t return your calls, even after you left them 38 voicemails.

An adjective that describes an affectionate or loving person. You know, like the boyfriend or girlfriend you dumped at the age of 22 because you felt that you need to “explore life,” and whom you now think about all the time because you’ve realised that no-one in your entire life will love you like they did. Which sucks. But at least it’s a nice word.

Like that first date who… zzz.

Describes an irregular or uneven pulse. Much like your heartbeat when your unrequited crush ‘Likes’ something you say on Facebook.

Undoing someone’s belt or buttons. Can’t imagine how you might use this in a dating context.

Ripping open someone’s clothes. See above.

A word that describes something nine inches long. Suddenly we’re really struggling to think of ways to use these words.

A state of ecstasy, like when the dull person across the table from you on a blind date says: “I need to head off now, but let me pay the bill first.”

A phlegmy, slimy thing, like the tongue of the first person you ever kissed. You had hoped never to be kissed like that again, but it happened last week, and you were not ecstasiate as a result.

A verb that broadly means “To make someone feel really good about themselves.” So that they’ll have sex with you, for example.

Bending of the knee. Men do this kind of thing when they want their girlfriends to start having more sex with them, like when they were first together. It often works for a week or two.

Greedy. For example, men who want more sex, and who think that ingeniculation may be the way to get it.

The act of interrupting someone else while they’re speaking. On dates, it’s always the other person who commits interfaction, and never you.

Angelic. For example: “She found his dodrantal qualities positively isangelous.”
Licking or lapping with the tongue. Bad kissers often commit grave acts of lambition in the chin area.

Enthusiastic willingness to do something, such as willingness to continue kissing someone you fancy, especially after realising that they’re not prone to acts of lambition in the chin area.

An adjective that describes someone who desperately wants to get married. Many men seem to be under the impression that all women in their 30s are wildly mariturient, but most women in their 30s know that the men are usually the mariturient ones.

Cavorting with prostitutes. Examples can be found elsewhere on the internet.

Collective noun; a group of 10,000 men. For example: “She told her new boyfriend that she’d had three sexual partners. She knew that it was more like a myriander, but what’s a few thousand between friends?”

To shut one’s own mouth, such as when you realise you’re about to mention your ex for the 24th time on a first date.

To resist, such as when you realise you’re about to mention your ex for the 25th time on a first date, having failed to obacerate a minute earlier.

A person in charge of orgies. Orgiophants seem to have glamorous lives, but really they’re just people who spend a lot of time cleaning up.

A person who talks a lot of rubbish. Self-aware phlyarologists often give up dating altogether and become orgiophants, so that they can be really popular despite their lack of conversational finesse.

Verb; to ask or enquire. Like when your last date asked you how many people you’d slept with.

Verb; to return someone’s feelings of love.

To make amends; a kind of emotional version of the verb “resuscitate,” but for relationships.

Verb; to lead astray. A double-roblet is the act of being led astray by a small man named Robert.

Verb; to ask frequently. Common examples: “am I prettier than your last girlfriend;” “am I better in bed than your last boyfriend;” “are we there yet?”

Slender, like the petite young thing you still are in your wildest dreams.

Pertaining to the human body. For example: “She liked to think that he was her soulmate, but her friends could tell that her interest was purely somandric. He didn’t mind either way, to be fair.”

Booze. For example: “Hey good looking, would you like a drink of my stagma? Hey come back…”

Excitement of the male member. Useful when alone with a new lover; less so when chatting someone up in a public place.

Adjective meaning excessive. For example: “His traboccant interest in her resulted in an embarassing surgation in the middle of the pub.”

To make something tremble. For example: “His romantic words seemed to tremefy her, and he felt well pleased with himself. Actually she had indigestion, but she decided not to say anything.”

Emptiness, like the head of that gorgeous creature you met last week. You tried to have a conversation, and failed on account of their sheer vacivity, so you took them home and humped them instead.

Beautification. What you try and fail to do after finding six giant zits between your eyebrows on the morning of the most important date of your life.

Adjective that describes canny, subtle behaviour. When people say that playing hard to get doesn’t work, it’s probably because they’re not being veteratorian enough about it.

Something that involves both touch and vision. Much like when you use sign language to request a double vodka and cola (no ice) from your date during a really loud gig.

Pertaining to a large-bosomed lady. Men spend entire first dates failing to make eye contact because they’re so deep in conversation with their date’s zaftig qualities.

Noun that describes a state of being way too keen. You know that you need to play it cool, but that zelotypia gets you every time.