Friends With Benefits: Can you Fall in Love?

The term ‘friends with benefits’ was first introduced by Alanis Morissette in her song, Head Over Feet in 1995. But people really got to know this phrase in the noughties, the dawn of the casual relationship fuelled by social media, dating apps, and having near-constant access to our friends (including those friends we want a little bit more from).

This page is for anyone looking for help with all the unknowns, pitfalls, and emotional risks people take when getting into a friends with benefits relationship.

The modern phrase is one that almost everyone is familiar with, but we still need all the help we can get when seeking a friend with benefits.

There are some real benefits to being in a friends with benefits relationship, but there are also several downsides, so you may be wondering if this type of relationship is for you. There’s the constant questioning of ‘Am I coming off too keen?’, ‘Do I need to play it cooler?’, ‘If we meet up in public is it too serious?’, Etc. etc. This guide is for anyone who has ever wondered if they could be falling in love with their regular hook-up.

What is a Friend With Benefits?

In 1995, the Canadian singer Alanis Morissette was seemingly referring to a committed romantic relationship that is so tight and meaningful it’s like a friendship. It’s not quite what the term means today.

It took a quick shift in 1997 when a forum user asked their peers: “How do you classify a relationship of sleeping with your best friend?… Is this a ‘best friends with benefits’ thing, or a ‘non-relationship’…or an unofficial relationship that could become something better?”

By 2011, the term was established enough for Hollywood studios to launch a comedy movie named after this type of pseudo-relationship. Friends With Benefits was directed by Will Gluck and starred Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake as Jamie and Dylan. We’ll use them as an example to help us understand what these relationships are.

In the film, Dylan suggests they have sex like some friends play tennis with each other. This kicks off a conversation that leads to them swearing they want nothing more from each other than sex. It ends with a scalding for Dylan for what is perceived as being too emotionally supportive.

So, it is two friends who are not romantically interested in each other having sex purely for sexual gratification, with neither of the partners looking for an emotional connection beyond the friendship. Another term commonly used to refer to this type of relationship is ‘no strings attached’, as in ‘we can have sex with no commitment’. Incidentally, No Strings Attached is the title of a competing film released six months before Friends With Benefits.

Is it Possible to be More Than Friends with a Friend With Benefits?

You don’t have to be a film critic to predict that Friends With Benefits ends with the couple officially dating and progressing towards a relationship. It is possible to maintain a purely sexual relationship without catching feelings, but sex and emotions are intrinsically linked.

The focus of a friends with benefits relationship is on the physical aspect, but the physical informs the emotional. As a concept, these relationships are incredibly appealing but it is important for both partners to communicate their expectations and boundaries to ensure the relationship stays casual. Without clear communication, it is possible that one partner may develop feelings for the other, leading to complications and potentially hurt feelings.

Sex generates affection. During sex, the body releases the chemical oxytocin. Sometimes known as the cuddle hormone, it is triggered by physical touch.

WARNING! OXYTOCIN MAY CAUSE FEELINGS OF INTIMACY, TRUST, AND EMPATHY. IT MAY LEAD TO A DEEP EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.

That’s right, oxytocin is a dangerous chemical when it comes to friends with benefits. Science says we build emotional connections with each other when we have sex. It is not guaranteed to happen, as humans react to emotions differently and sometimes we even deny our emotions. But we can say with absolute certainty that friends with benefits can fall in love.

Can Men Fall in Love With Friends with Benefits?

Men are more likely to prefer a friend with benefits relationship than women. This is because women are more likely to prefer the security of a committed relationship, whereas men can enjoy the lack of expectation and responsibility associated with a casual relationship.

With that said, guys are humans. While harmful stereotypes, toxic masculinity, and gender norms might suggest they are unfeeling, sex-obsessed monsters, men can, of course, fall foul of the same effects of oxytocin as women.

Taking that further, it is possible for a guy to fall in love with a friend with benefits, even if that love has not been reciprocated. We all are humans who react differently in different situations. Essentially, what people need to know is that the power of the human brain can definitely cause a guy to fall in love with their friend with benefits relationship.

Signs That Your Friend With Benefits Relationship is Turning into Love

We aren’t body language or behavioural experts, so these signs aren’t necessarily definite indications that love is in the air. We’d all like to know for definite when someone likes us, but it’s not always easy to do. This section collects some strong indicators that your ‘situationship’ is heading towards something bigger.

You spend time outside the bedroom together

Being in a friends with benefits relationship is a bit like lockdown dating, you shouldn’t be going many places outside your bedroom. Of course, a friends with benefits should have a friendship element but if they are choosing to spend more and more time with you outside of the bedroom… It could be a sign that they’re catching feelings.

Spending the night

This is not true of all friends with benefits, but as a general rule, you should not be sleeping in the same bed together for anything longer than a nap. If it is a rule that you set at the start and are starting to break, cut it out right now!

Some people might be able to make a sleeping overnight arrangement work but be careful if you want to keep it casual. Cuddling through the night is almost definitely going to cultivate feelings.

Unintentionally romantic moments

You’re looking into their eyes and your breathing gets deeper, your heart rate increases, and your palms start sweating—until you remember to snap yourself out of it. Look out for these moments because you might be in lurrrrve.

They miss you

People probably shouldn’t be missing one another if it’s just casual. This is not always true because we still miss our friends, even the ones we’re not intimate with. One sure-fire sign of love is receiving that ‘I miss you’ text. Even worse if it simply reads ‘imy’ they have clearly thought long and hard about that before sending it. Watch out for feelings of yearning if you’re worried love might be around the corner.

You don’t have sex with other people

This could just be an opportunity thing but if you or your partner is turning down sex with other people with each other in mind… you are 100% catching feelings.

Or sex with others is unfulfilling

Ok so you are dating or having sex with other people, but if it isn’t living up to your time spent with your friend with benefits, it’s probably because of the strong emotional connection you’ve unintentionally built.

They’re making time for you

If you find that someone is moving stuff around to see you or cancelling plans, they are definitely interested in more than just your body.

You’ve hit dating milestones

There is a chance that you’ve accidentally hit some dating milestones with your FWB, this includes things like spending more free time together.

You know their love language

If you’ve been fiddling around with each other for a while you might start to get a deeper understanding of how they show affection. If you’ve learnt that they communicate love with acts of service, watch out when they make the bed for you.

When their love language is physical touch it could be hard to spot those signs. You need to be aware of touches outside the bedroom. For example, if they’re holding your hands under the covers as you relax afterwards, it must be love, looooove, love 🎶.

Small gifts

Small gifts can be the perfect way to show someone you care. If your friend with benefits keeps turning up with cute things that just ‘remind them of you’, they’re falling in love. Gift giving is actually another love language so watch out.

Jealousy

You cannot let the green-eyed monster rear its ugly head when you’re trying to keep things casual, whether it’s from your side or theirs. Neither of you can feel jealous when you talk about other people, or swipe through Tinder in front of them, especially when chatting about exes and the past.

Trust your gut

The phrase doesn’t come from nowhere and our gut feelings are worth listening to. So, if you’ve got an intangible sense that feelings are developing, you are probably right. And if you think they’re just after one thing, you’re also probably right.

How to Turn Friends With Benefits into a Relationship

We have reached the final stage of the friends with benefits relationship, accepting that you’ve fallen for them. Ok, you might have come towards the end of this page and instead of asking whether it is possible, you’ve realised: ‘Oh damn, I am in love with my friend with benefits’. And you are wondering how you can progress this relationship.

If one partner is starting to develop feelings for the other, it may be time to re-evaluate the boundaries and expectations of the friends with benefits relationship to avoid any potential hurt feelings or complications. That is only assuming a negative outcome, as there is every possibility that your friend will want to become much more.

Here are some tips for transitioning your friends with benefits situation into an ever-after. Some of these are blatant attempts at escalation but others will let you slip under the radar.

Don’t act like you already are

Why would you commit to a relationship if you can get all the benefits of it without the commitment? It might be hard, but if you want to escalate the FWB, the best option is to be steadfast about the rules. Make sure they cannot get any of the relationship benefits without the commitment.

Consider that they want a chase

It is possible that they are also interested but subconsciously love the chase. Let them text you or entertain the possibility of dating other people. It’s also worth being aware of the fact that they might not be ready yet. Some people require more time before committing.

Give them an opportunity to miss you

To be clear, this doesn’t mean you should play hard to get. That ploy might work for you but that is not what this tip is saying. It is just a suggestion that maybe one time they want to meet up and do the deed, you are busy. Try to be busy with something that has the right balance of importance, something that could be moved around but you’re choosing not to.

Don’t expect them to automatically know

Just because it is obvious to you, does not mean it is obvious to them. Be clear about how your feelings have changed or are changing. You must also be understanding of their reaction even if you find it hurtful. Unless they are being intentionally hurtful, of course.

Do not expect a perfect reaction

You may have just become aware of your affection earlier than they have. If they pull away, do not let your reaction be charged by emotions. Remain chill, go with the flow, and if it is meant to be and if they feel (or could feel) the same way about you, it will happen, they will find their way back to you.

Friends with benefits relationships can be a fun and casual way to explore one’s sexuality without the pressure of a committed relationship. However, clear communication and boundaries are essential to ensure both partners are on the same page and to avoid any potential misunderstandings. Make sure you protect yourself from being hurt if you are going to enter a friends with benefits relationship.

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