Pete is a professional social life coach in Brisbane, Australia who can helps make logical sense of emotional things like conversation and relationships. You can find him at beardstrokings.com
It’s showtime. You leave your apartment and head downtown where you’ll be meeting your date in the next 30 minutes. You’ve been a little nervous all day, but now your brain starts freaking out for real.
– What am I going to talk about?
– What if I run out of things to say?
– What if it’s super awkward?
You start rehearsing the impressive stories you can tell your date if the conversation dries up.
– Maybe they’ll like me if I tell them enough cool things about myself?
The above is the exactly wrong approach, because…
“Our companions please us less from the charms we find in their conversation than from those they find in ours.” (Sir Fulke Greville)
Which means we like people when they like what we say.
Which also means our date likes us when we like what they say, and not when we list off the cool things we’ve done as if we’re applying for a job.
So put your stories away and instead build a repertoire of questions that make your date blush and say “Wow… no one’s ever asked me that before.”
The idea is to get gradually more intimate as the conversation progresses. Listen to your date and watch their reactions when you ask each question, and make sure they’re comfortable with each level before you go deeper. Here are some examples.
Question 1: What do you find most attractive in a man/woman?
This question opens the door, ever so slightly, to sexual attraction. Your date knows that you’ll be comparing yourself to the answers they give.
If they say they like strong men/women, don’t tell them you bench 120kg. Don’t immediately try to prove how well you fit their mould. Instead get genuinely curious about why they’re attracted to those particular qualities.
And then they’ll naturally ask, “How about you?” So have a good answer prepared. Something surprising. Something outside of the generic “I’m looking for someone ambitious who makes me laugh and does nice things for me.” Because that’s boring.
And don’t let them get away with a cookie cutter answer like that either.
Question 2: How do you flirt with someone when you want to show them you’re interested?
If they weren’t sure about your sexual interest before, they’re sure now. Especially if you ask this with a cheeky smile.
They can’t flirt with you after answering this without you knowing that they’re flirting with you. So you can be pretty sure that they’re doing it deliberately… and probably feeling a little naughty about it.
Sometimes they’ll answer with “I don’t know” or “I don’t do anything”. And it’s true, some people don’t. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re not interested in you, so don’t push too hard for an answer on this one and just move on.
Question 3: What’s the craziest place you’ve had sex?
Now we’re getting playful. This is a great way to bring up the topic of sex without reaaaally talking about sex. Really this question is more about adventure, adrenaline and risk-taking.
But then again, you kind of are asking about sex, and your date is answering you, which means they’re probably open to getting even more intimate.
Weirdest answer I’ve heard so far by the way: in a graveyard.
Question 4: What are your rules for good sex?
This is the kind of question that you probably don’t want to ask at the start of the date. But if you’ve gradually been taking the conversation to more and more sexually intimate topics, then this is the level you naturally end up at.
And it’s a really fun place to be.
To get to this level of intimacy, don’t ask your questions one after the other like an interview. Develop the conversation in-between each question and change to different subjects, then come back to the next question later if they’re comfortable.
What to do with the intimate attraction you’ve built?
Again, these questions are just examples. Come up with your own questions about things that matter to you.
If your date seems comfortable answering 3 or 4 intimate questions, including at least one about sex, you can usually be pretty sure there’s some sexual or intimate attraction there.
If you don’t know where to start to initiate a kiss, follow these steps, and go for it in the middle of the date, not at the when it’s awkward! Look into your date’s eyes a little longer than normal, smile and make contact with their hand, back, shoulder or wherever is most natural. Do this slowly, from their body language or verbal cues make sure they’re receptive to your touch and in a position to easily pull away if they want to. Then bring your face close to theirs, then let them close the gap and kiss you.