How to break up with someone: A Step-by-Step Guide

Ending a relationship isn’t easy, but you can be graceful about it. It’s important to understand why you need to walk away, communicate clearly and part ways without saying things you might later regret. You also need to have a plan for coping with the aftermath of a breakup. Here’s a little help.

Everyone knows how traumatic breakups can be, both for the dumper and the dumped. Often the person being broken up with gets the lion’s share of public sympathy and people forget how devastating it is to be the one to make the big decision.

If you’re considering splitting with your partner or ending things with someone you met on a dating site, read our guide to how to break up with someone as painlessly as possible.

How to Break Up with Someone: Understanding the Decision

The first step is to understand whether your relationship can be saved or if it’s over.

Recognize the Signs That It’s Time to End the Relationship

Arguments that turn physical or abusive are a clear red flag of a relationship gone toxic. A break-up is the right decision. But, sometimes things aren’t so clear. If you’re unsure, look out for signs like this.

• You don’t feel comfortable sharing your feelings
• Every conversation seems to turn into a fight
• You don’t trust your partner
• The thought of physical intimacy puts you off
• You feel like you’re constantly making sacrifices
• When you want to share something, good or bad, you turn to someone else

When you’ve been with someone for a long time, it’s sometimes easier to ignore these warning signs. But, that doesn’t help you or your partner. Continuing to be together though you’re unhappy will only breed resentment and make it harder to move on healthily.

Understand Why You Want to Break Up

You know something’s not right with your relationship, but is the reason serious enough to break up over or can it be fixed? You might be fighting over an empty toilet paper roll, but actually you might be mad about not having enough time for yourself. Before you make a decision about your relationship, you need to zero in on the real issue.

Sometimes, you’ve grown into people who want different things in life. You might still care about each other but have different values. Sometimes, a personal crisis may be keeping you or your partner from committing to the relationship. A break-up doesn’t always have to be someone’s fault.

Understanding the real reason why you want to break up keeps you from playing the blame game. It allows you to break up respectfully.

Make Sure You’ve Already Discussed All Your Issues

This one isn’t necessarily advice about how to break up with someone. Rather, it’s a reminder to make a fully considered decision. Relationships are all about communication. If your partner is doing something that you think might be a deal-breaker, it’s only fair to let them know and talk it through to see if anything can change. You should always do this before making any drastic resolutions.

They might be completely oblivious to the problem you’re seeing and talking it through could be the key to them changing their ways. Equally, you might discover that they’re unwilling to compromise, indicating that the end is in sight.

Either way, if you break up with someone before discussing fundamental issues, you’ll always wonder what could have been if you’d only been brave enough to bite the bullet.

Consider the Impact on Both Individuals Involved

Breakups hurt, but if you handle it empathetically, you can keep it from becoming too messy. After all, when you’ve been together for a while, there’s more than just emotions involved. While you’ve had time to prepare for a breakup, acknowledge that your partner may feel blind sided. Consider how this decision will affect them and think about whether there’s anything you can do to minimize the pain.

You might be wondering how to break up with someone if you have a mortgage together, have a shared pet or a close friendship group that involves both of you. Maybe you had a holiday planned together or a joint account. Thinking about these things before the breakup and suggesting solutions will make it easier for both of you.

Whatever your situation, it will be some comfort to your ex if you can reassure them that you’ll make these changes as easy as possible and have already come up with a plan.

They might not appreciate this until the initial shock has subsided, but in the long run, they’ll come to realize that your preparation made their life easier during a difficult time.

Ending The Relationship: Planning the Conversation

There’s no perfect time to end a relationship. But, there are a few things you can do to ease the pain of a break up.

Choosing when and where

As much as possible, avoid breaking up in public. Pick a private place where you can discuss your relationship without the fear of someone eavesdropping and where you and your partner can express yourselves freely.

Home is often the best choice. If you live in separate apartments, consider having the conversation at your partner’s place so they can deal with the breakup in a space where they feel safe. If you live together, make arrangements to stay at a friend’s place for the next few days.

Deciding Whether to Break Up in Person, Over the Phone, or in Writing

When you’re breaking up with someone, the polite thing to do is always have difficult conversations in person. Don’t hide behind a text or an email. Of course, there may be exceptions. For example, you may be in a long-distance relationship. Or, the relationship may not have progressed past the first few dates.

If you can’t meet, a phone call is the next best alternative. It allows you to hash things out properly and makes it easier to find closure.

Text messages and emails don’t give the other person a chance to respond and could leave them feeling unheard. Keep this as an option only if you fear an extreme physical or emotional outburst during a phone call.

Preparing What you are going to say

When you’re doing the breaking up, you need to be clear and honest yet kind. Writing down what you want to say is a good idea. This helps you choose words that are true without being cruel.

Avoid listing everything that’s wrong with your partner. Instead, focus on the one or two definitive reasons you don’t see a future in your relationship. Be clear – do you want to go on a break for a little while or end the relationship entirely? You’re not doing anyone any favours if you try to soften the blow by being vague. Don’t give your partner false hope.

If the situation allows, acknowledge things that you appreciate about the person and the time you’ve spent together. It could be something as simple as “I’ll always be grateful for how you’ve taken care of me”.

It’s worth practicing what you want to say. You’ll feel more ‘in control’ of the situation and you’ll be less likely to go off on a tangent.

Be honest about your reasons

Believe it or not, breaking up can be a real learning experience if it’s done in the right way! This hinges on the person doing the breaking up being sincere about what went wrong. Be as honest as you can without being cruel. If they can learn something from the reasons behind the break-up, they might be grateful to you once they’ve got over the initial crying/watching too many rom-coms/stuffing themselves silly with ice cream stage.

While honesty is the best policy, it’ll be easier on both of you if you avoid endlessly going over old situations when the other person hurt you without focusing on what both of you can learn from this.

This will only make them feel guilty and try to get back at you by dragging up their own bugbears. Neither of you will gain anything from this except a distorted view of the relationship only revolving around arguments.

Rather than talking about what hurt you, try to focus on what the other person can do to avoid repeating this mistake. This shifts the focus to the future rather than the past and should prevent the conversation revolving around blame.

And if there’s someone else involved, it’s better to tell them yourself before they find out through social media or a mutual friend. This will only lead to them resenting you and looking back on the relationship in a negative light.

After Breaking Up: Handling the Aftermath

While mourning a lost relationship is important, don’t let yourself dwell on it. Here are a few tips to help you process the breakup.

Deal with Reactions and Emotions After the Breakup

Once you’ve said what you needed to, you need to listen to your partner’s reaction to the breakup. Answer questions the person may have and try to avoid getting into a situation where you end up berating each other. It’s helpful to have an idea of what you would say if your partner asked you to reconsider or a question you don’t want to answer. Be patient, but remember, you do not need to justify your actions.

Set boundaries and have a follow-up plan to help you and your ex deal with your emotions. This may mean going no contact for a month or letting a common friend act as a go-between to get your things back.

Don’t keep going back

This is a mistake made by countless newly broken-up men and women. You’ll miss being with someone who knows you inside out and the intimacy that brings, which makes it all too easy to slip back into talking to or sleeping with them.

Of course, some people will realise that the relationship is salvageable. However, in nearly all cases, drawing out the breakup will only cause more heartache. Try to always keep the reason you broke up at the front of your mind. There are many different ways to do this. Write post-its to yourself, list all the reasons behind the breakup, and get your friends to send you motivational messages.

Whatever works for you, do all you can to avoid slipping back into contact simply because you miss the idea of a relationship.

Take reasonable time to heal and move forward

It’s important to take time to process your feelings and grieve a lost relationship. As tempting as it may be to ‘rebound’, first, take time to heal. This might look different for everyone. It may be a solo vacation, journalling, therapy, a new hobby or fighting for a cause…

Spending time with yourself lets you work out what you are really looking for in love. It’s an opportunity to identify any unhealthy patterns you may be following and take steps to correct them. This way you’re less likely to carry unresolved issues when you start a new relationship.

Get Support from Friends & Family

Feeling lonely after a breakup is inevitable. Stop yourself from brooding. It becomes easier when you have friends and family you can lean on. Share what you’re feeling with the people around you. Go out for a drink or invite yourself over for a meal.

Talking to a friend about what was right and what wasn’t so right about your relationship is healthy. But, don’t pick your ex apart. Often, they may have noticed things about your relationship that you didn’t realise.

Conclusion

Realizing that you need to end a relationship isn’t pleasant. But, you will make it through. For the sake of moving on gracefully, be honest, clear and respectful when you have that conversation. After you’ve said your goodbyes, give yourself the time to heal and invest in strengthening your identity as an individual.

And once you’re ready, open yourself to the idea of having a new relationship. Sign up for a Match account to meet other single people. You can take it slow and start conversations online. Check out this article on how to prepare yourself to date again after a breakup and our top tips for writing your online dating profile.

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