Friend to Lover? Building an Intimate Relationship from a Friendship

Many people believe that once you’re in the Friend Zone, there’s no way out. Some theories say that once the object of your affection sees you as a platonic friend, they stop thinking of you as a member of the opposite sex. We read about it all the time—you’re one of the gang, a “good mate”, and sleeping with you would just be weird.

Nice theory, but it’s only half-right. There is such a thing as the Friend Zone, but it’s not a dead end to romance. In fact, it’s an excellent stepping stone if you’re willing to take the risk. If you want a truly fulfilling relationship with someone who knows and respects the real you, the Friend Zone is the best place to start.

Read our useful advice on how to transition in nine steps:

Fun and Useful Tips to Grow Your Friendship into Love

1. Be a good friend

Friendship is one of the three basic ingredients of a successful relationship, along with passion and respect. Don’t run from friendship in the mistaken belief that it’ll destroy your chances of a relationship. Instead, see your friendship with a person as an important part of making them fall in love with you, and don’t rush it.

2. Show them how much you’ve got in common

Opposites only attract in the short term. Peas in a pod are far more likely to have a relationship, partly because we’re all egomaniacs at heart. We’re reassured by the presence of people who think and behave like us. Studies have even shown that people are more likely to fall in love if their names are similar.

But don’t pretend to have things in common when you don’t. Displaying confidence in your own interests is attractive, and an acceptance of any differences can go a long way. Speaking of which…

3. Embrace the things you haven’t got in common

Part of being a true friend, and what makes friendship so fulfilling, is developing a real understanding and acceptance of each other, including your differences. So, show your friend your empathetic side, and show them that you value their views, even when you don’t share them. You want them to question themselves and think: “I really feel like I can be myself around you.”

4. Show just enough affection

A simple touch of their arm is sometimes all it takes to tell a friend that you appreciate their company. This kind of gesture makes them feel great about themselves, and soon they’ll subconsciously associate those positive feelings with your presence.

5. Cultivate their emotional dependence

That may sound manipulative, but all friendships and relationships need some degree of emotional dependence. It happens naturally when you spend a lot of time with someone like a close friend. If you get on well together, the more you interact with your friend, the more they will like you.

It’s basic psychology: several life studies have shown that repeated exposure to more or less any stimulus makes us like it more (unless we didn’t like it in the first place). The old saying that “familiarity breeds contempt” just isn’t true in most cases. So, spend a lot of time with your friend, and soon you’ll become a habit that they don’t want to break.

6. Stop being so available

OK so maybe this is where the friendship starts to get a little manipulative, but don’t leave your life down to fate.

Once your friend is used to you being close by, make them realise how much they miss you when you’re gone. What’s more, showing your friend that you’re independent and self-reliant helps to cultivate their respect, which means your friendship is already growing into something more substantial.

7. Flatter your friend

Don’t play hard to get with your friend, but don’t be too available either. Love begets love, and flattery will get you everywhere with people. Compliment your friend on things that you know mean something to them, such as clothing or food. They may seem to reject your flattery (“Oh, don’t be silly”, etc) but don’t believe a word—they’re tickled pink.

8. Say it with your eyes

If you’re horrified by the thought of having a conversation where you blurt out “I think you’re amazing”, don’t worry, as this message works better when communicated in silence. Just use your eyes. Hold your friend’s stare a little longer than necessary when talking.

Studies show that eye contact cultivates feelings of attraction. Relationship counsellors often ask couples to gaze at each other as part of their therapy. It can feel uncomfortable, but that’s part of what makes it so intoxicating and powerful. When you do look away, drag your eyes reluctantly. Nothing else says “I want you” quite so beautifully.

9. Don’t underestimate the value of friendship

If you’ve tried locking eyes with your friend and they keep looking away, chances are they’re not interested. That’s not because you’ve made the mistake of entering the Friend Zone, it’s simply because they don’t fancy you, and you can’t force them to change that. Enjoy their friendship, and flirt with whomever you like.

If you and your friend can remain close while both seeing other people, that’s a friendship to treasure throughout your life. Need more tips? We have more advice on dating!

The Stages That Take You from Friends to Lovers

The journey from being a friend to a lover often begins with the “Just Friends” stage, where mutual enjoyment and trust form the bedrock of your relationship. This soon evolves into the “Spark Recognition” stage, where your heart starts to flutter.

Expect a rollercoaster of emotions, as you juggle denying these newfound feelings alongside daydreaming of romantic escapades.

As reality sets in, you enter the “Flirting and Confession” stage, where deciphering signals becomes an exhilarating—albeit nerve-wracking—game, leading to the brave step of expressing your feelings.

The big leap into the unknown

Congratulations, next up is the “Transition” stage and this is where the magic happens, as you shift your life from friendship to romance. Yes, it might be awkward, but it’s an important part of the journey, and it’s well worth the risk!

Finally, after all that, you reach the “More Than Friends” stage, successfully transitioning into lovers who share a deep, pre-existing bond of friendship where the conversation never ends!

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